Full Circle Adoptions Newsletter

FULL CIRCLE EAGER TO WELCOME
NEW PROSPECTIVE ADOPTIVE FAMILIES!

Congratulations to Jill, Henry & Maegan

This is a great time for adoptive families to consider working with Full Circle. Over the past year, the agency has improved its national visibility through increased Yellow Pages advertising and a revised and very informative web site. As a result, more birthparents have been reaching out to us for adoption services through the internet and have also been calling the agency’s toll free line. We’ve recently added a second toll free line, which enables women to reach the agency more easily when they need help in an on-going way (before and after birth of their child).

While we used to have about 20 waiting families and 5 active matches at any given time, we now have about 15 active matches and under 10 waiting families at a given time. We are eager to welcome new families into our program. Please call and arrange for a free individual orientation and/or attend one of the Boston area orientations listed on our web site. And please tell your friends about Full Circle. We look forward to helping your family!

Regular Boston Area Orientations! In addition to the option of free individual orientations in the agency’s Northampton office, Full Circle Director Marla Allisan has been offering free group orientations for Boston area families at the Best Western Royal Plaza Hotel in Marlborough, MA. The most current schedule for future orientations is listed on the agency’s web site(www.fullcircleadoptions.com).

Family Building Through Adoption Group Group Topics will include: • Child development and adoption issues • Elements of a legally safe domestic adoption • Infertility • Decision making throughout the adoption process

Free Homestudy Training for MSW Social Workers Thurs., Sept. 19, 2002 9 am – noon Please call. CEU’s applied for

Fourth Annual Summer Picnic Postponed to June 2003 Noon til dusk Look Park, Northampton

All support groups and informational sessions are held at A Full Circle Adoptions, 39 Main Street, Northampton(see bottom of this page for a map) unless otherwise noted. Please feel free to call us at (413)587-0007 with any questions.

Potatoes aren't the only things that grow in Idaho!

We rejoice with all our families on the good health of your children and the love that you will share in the years to come:

To Lydia and Steve (and big brother Noah) of Massachusetts on their (2nd) adoption of Pierre (Pennsylvania);to Jeff and Mary of Wisconsin and big sister Bridget, on their second adoption: welcome Madeline (California); Ellen and David of Massachusetts on the welcoming of Katherine (Indiana); Kate and Shea of Rhode Island who welcomed Julia (Idaho); Kathy and Jim of Massachusetts on the arrival of Matthew (Florida); Tom and Grace of Massachusetts who welcomed Angelina Barbara (Mississippi); Kristen and Michael of Massachusetts who welcomed Kyle (Idaho); Frank and Jonathan of Massachusetts who welcomed Ariel (Rhode Island); Jill and Henry of Massachusetts who have adopted Maegen (Mississippi/Massachusetts); Jen and Lou of Massachusetts who welcomed Lucy and Austin, through international adoption (The Ukraine); Tom and Val (and big brother Justin) of Massachusetts who welcomed Matthew (New York); Kristen and Ron of Texas who welcomed Ryland (Oregon); Michael and Kerry of Massachusetts who welcomed Sierra (Michigan); Ellen and Rick (and big brother Ian) of Massachusetts who welcomed Robert (Iowa); Kevin and Becky of Massachusetts who welcomed Callie (Alabama);Laura and Jim (and big brother Connor) of Massachusetts are delighted to welcome new sister Delaney (Oregon);Frank and Debbie (and big brother Jack) of Massachusetts welcome little sister Lindsay (Ohio); Mark and Diana of Connecticut, welcome home daughter Sydney (Indiana); Phil and Nancy of Massachusetts welcomed Collin (Massachusetts); Pam and Eric (and big sister Lindsay) of Massachusetts welcomed (2nd adoption) Lauren (Arizona).

The average time between homestudy completion and match for the above adoptions was 7 months with the median time of 4 months; the average time between match and placement was 2 months with a median time

ON: THE TRANSFORMATION OF A FAMILY’S SENSE OF SELF:

“Dear Marla - I just had to write: it's no big thing, but it's meaningful to me and I felt the urge to share it with you. I'm closed up in our home office studying for a test. Outside the door, I can hear Paul very softly singing some nonsense lyrics to Meg (who is insisting on staying up very late tonight for some inscrutable reason of her own). I don't think I ever heard Paul sing before Megan came to us: he wasn't a morose person or anything; it just wasn't his thing. Now he sings all the time and it absolutely delights his daughter, and his wife. As much as we knew we wanted this, we couldn't have had any way of knowing how much we needed it, and how much the small but exceedingly and surprisingly precious joys of parenthood would enrich us on a day-to-day basis. Thank you and your staff, again, for bringing this light into our world.” – Carla

ON: THE EXPERIENCE OF COMMUNICATING WITH BIRTHPARENTS
BEFORE AND AFTER PLACEMENT:

“We now have had our Benjamin for 3 years. He is wonderful. This was our first time adopting a baby. I was a wreck at first; I just wanted the baby to be dropped off at the door. When the birthparents wanted to meet us, I panicked. It went well, we made friends, ate together, walked around the mall. It was easier than I thought. But deep down I was glad that part was over. Then Benjamin was born and ready to leave the hospital. That was the most emotional day for me; my husband, Keith, was ok. I could not understand why a woman would give her child away. Before the birth mom left the hospital, she wanted to see us. She hugged and hugged us for being the ones to help her and love her baby. We cried for what seemed like hours.Two days before we left the state, the birth mom wanted to meet us one more time at a restaurant. I needed to be coaxed into this one, but I did go. As for Keith, he was ok or at least didn't panic like me. And again, after the first half hour, it was fine. I think the birth mom is a very brave and honest person who knew what is best for both herself and the baby. I looked at her and thought, “If I am a mess, what must she feel like?” She had a gift for the baby, held him and changed his diaper. We again went to a mall to hang out and she fed him. These are the best memories I could ever share with Benjamin. All four of us loved him. We went home the next day with promises of pictures and letters. After I sent my first pack of pictures, I received the nicest note from the birth mom. She could not say enough about her respect and thanks to us. She felt as though we did not look down on her in any way. Finally I let this feeling of fear go. She had agreed to this as I had. We were bonded together by a special love. When I looked back I would have never thought I could have done this. I am still today in disbelief that I could be in this situation. But one step at a time and Marla's help got me here. How God has blessed us.”
Thanks,
Susan and Keith

To Joan Connors Esq., who has also left our Board to be the Ombudsperson at the International Labour Office for the United Nations in Switzerland. Thank you for your help to the agency and blessings to you and your family in your new life in Switzerland!

Patricia G. Sandoval

Patricia has taught at the Care Center, a multi-service organization for pregnant and parenting teens in Holyoke, and at the International Language Institute in Northampton. She has a B.A. from Mount Holyoke College and a M.Ed. from the University of Massachusetts, and is currently a Professor of Speech and Theater at Holyoke Community College. A proud mother of three grown children and three absolutely delightful grandchildren, Patricia lives in Southampton with her partner, Linda Pisano.

Dan Berger, Esq.

Dan is an immigration attorney practicing in Northampton, focusing mainly on business and academic clients. He won the 1995 American Immigration Lawyers Association annual writing competition for an article on INS policies toward international adoptions, and is currently an Editor/Author of an upcoming AILA book on the law of international adoption. He is also adopted, and an adoptive parent.

Thank you to Karen and Todd Hussey for hosting a marvelous agency benefit party at your home! The evening included a silent auction, a raffle, mystery balloons to purchase, dancing with a D.J. (thank you Nancy Sweeney of Coastal Music Services) and the most wonderful food catered by Joe Fish Restaurant (North Andover, MA). We were also serenaded by Roze Tyler, violinist. Karen and Todd worked tirelessly on this event and we are SO grateful to the families who came to the party and to those families, who were not able to come, but contributed to the benefit. Special thanks to Val and Brian Rice, Katherine and Seth Bagshaw, Anita and Jeff Davis, Steve and Chris Chew, Linda and John Carnevale, and Jilene Thomas, who helped Karen with a number of the silent auction selections! The evening was fun, delicious and moving. Thank you so much! Thank you so much to the following individuals who helped make the event successful and enjoyable: Anita and Jeff Davis; Steve and Chris Tyler; Karen and Todd Hussey in honor of their daughter Taylor and in honor of all the new families to Full Circle; Meg Kelsey Wright and Jonathan Wright in honor of their children: Anna, Nicholas, and Amy Wright; Debbi and Dan Phillips in honor of Taylor Hussey; Anonymous Donor in honor of Taylor Hussey; In Memory of Mr. and Mrs. John Petrillo; Over the Rainbow Foundation; Chris and Paul Johnson; Val Rice; Scott Bryce; Barbara Arrighi in honor of her daughter Annie Arrighi-Allisan; Tim, Marie, and Alicia Marx; Tom and Margaret Curtin; Frank Tipton and Jonathan Krasner; Darlein and Norman Stein in loving memory of Darlein's brother Marvon Levine; Lilith and Frank Guerrara; Lisa, Michael and Will Ciesinski; Susan Dacey and Bruce Daniel in honor of their children Ben and Gary; Annie Woodhull and Gordon Thorne in honor of Elizabeth Parlin, Christina Ochs, Melanie Wagner, Sonya Thorne, Langdon Thorne and Taylor Thorne (their adopted nieces and nephew!) Thanks also to a number of modest donors, who wished to be anonymous, and whose generous contributions are very much appreciated. Thank you very much! The following donors are enthusiastically acknowledged. Please give the following companies and professionals your patronage: Boston Seaport Hotel (Boston, MA) Allan Smallman & Co. (Boxford, MA) Nantucket Impressions (Nantucket, MA) The Whimsey House (Topsfield, MA) Vera Bradley K3MJ2, Inc. (Boxford, MA) Jim Fuller, Electrician White Barn Inn (Kennebunkport, ME) Roze Tyler, Violinist Mug and Candle Shop (Newburyport, MA) RAD Training Joe Fish Restaurant (North Andover, MA) Glenn Burns, Professional Artist Museum of Science (Boston, MA) Ski Market (Boston, MA) New England Aquarium (Boston, MA) American Repertoire Theater (Cambridge, MA)

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Nurturing Hope and Sustaining Faith in the Adoption Process Marla Ruth Allisan JD, LICSW

When the agency’s first clients signed up with Full Circle for our adoption services, I remember the feelings I had as they walked out of the door to head home. I had been working in adoption for many years before starting Full Circle. I was confident enough of the adoption process and my work in the field to take the steps to open a new agency. And yet, I knew as they did, that no one had a crystal ball. How long would it take to connect them with birthparents? Would their journey be a good one? Would they find happiness at the end with our help? I remember looking upward and saying a small prayer asking for any help that might be needed to fulfill their dreams.

I have always been an intellectual sort, not one relying primarily on G-d or faith as I have contemplated outcomes for myself or others. I proceeded through a number of academic programs (undergrad, law school and social work school), laying out the steps from A to B and worked in a stepwise and steadfast fashion. I haven’t, historically, been a big risk taker, nor have I, in my personal life, left a lot to chance. And yet, I have found myself in a field, which requires, in addition to sharp analytic skills and a wide base of clinical and legal knowledge, the on-going presence of hope and even faith.

For adoptive families, this is axiomatic. In their lives, the areas of careers and relationships may have been more predictable. But the curve ball of infertility is often unexpected and devastating. There is a wide range of feelings. Some families are disappointed, but are not that invested in actually bearing a child physically. Others feel a deep loss, suffer profound feelings of disconnection from the generations before them and anticipate a loss of connection with the generations to come. Not to be able to physically create a child can interrupt one’s sense of self, physically and spiritually.

Against the backdrop of infertility treatment that may last years, the process of adoption seems far more predictable. The family pays money, the agency does its work, and there is, hopefully, a baby at the end. No one can make a guarantee, but at the same time, most feel that the likelihood of a predictable adoption is sometimes greater than the chances the infertility doctor offers for conception/birth. The themes of hope and faith arise again. Families often have two existential fears: They fear that they somehow won’t pass the homestudy and they fear that, despite being attractive and lovely people, they “won’t be chosen.” These fears are not realistic in terms of actual experience, but are, at times, reminders for prospective parents of how difficult it can be to hope that their dream of being parents will be fulfilled. Adoption clinician Carol Owen LICSW once said, “What do I call a couple who perseveres in the adoption process? Parents.”

But what helps with perseverance? What helps to nurture hope and faith along the way? What can help in the moments of discouragement? Here are some ideas: Families often take strength from the stories of other families (reading or in person conversation) and from spiritual practices that are grounding (e.g. religion/prayer, yoga, meditation). They often find that a supportive therapy relationship during the adoption process can be invaluable. Couples sometimes structure their roles in the adoption process – one partner might be “on duty” for a period of time and, then, the other partner might take the primary role. The partner “on duty” might take most of the calls from the agency and make more of the small decisions that might come up. The partner “on duty” might be in charge of getting the follow-up card to send to the birthmother, calling the agency to ask some questions and making travel plans to visit the birth family. The “off duty” partner might be the one who makes sure to schedule some extra time together, even though they wish to save time-off from work for when the baby arrives.

Some families find it helpful to be in some form of a “While You Wait” group –as a way to compare stories along the path and receive encouragement from fellow seekers traveling a similar road. Full Circle offers a Family Building Through Adoption (education and support) group in W. Mass. and is planning one for the Boston area; given that our waiting period has historically been short, a “while you wait” group hasn’t generally been our clients’ need. We’ve observed that families fare best when they keep to their traditional vacation schedules, keep their plans to visit family and take longed-for trips.

Perhaps the best advice for nurturing hope along the way is to see “nurturing hope” as one of the basic tasks to attend to. Even if you’ve decided not to tell all your friends and family about your adoption plans until you’re further along in the process, choose a few friends or family members to confide in; don’t be alone in the process. Ask for support and extra “tlc” from those whom you do feel you are able to talk.

There are some concepts that can be useful as well. One is, “Everything is information gathering until the ink is dry.” By this we mean that, until a birthmother/father sign surrenders, you’re gathering information. You’re learning about her interests and the qualities that you may witness in your child someday. You’re learning about the delicate spiritual process whereby a woman entrusts her child to an adoptive family. Adoptive families often look for “signs” that a situation is likely to succeed. This is natural, and yet it might help you to better weather the process by assuming nothing until it actually happens. No matter how poignant the birthparents’ messages may be, (e.g. “I know why I became pregnant, I was meant to carry this child for you.” or “Have you picked out a name for your daughter yet?” etc.) these should be heard as lovely statements of her current feelings. She could change her mind after the birth of the child, even if she doesn’t envision this at the time she’s making sincere statements to you. It can be helpful to have a “plan B” if the situation should not proceed to placement. One family, for example, planned a vacation that they would take if the placement did not go through.

Also, it’s important to remember that the staff at the agency are here to help you along the path. When you are first being homestudied, you might find yourselves holding back a little, out of a natural concern about being “evaluated.” However, once you’re “approved,” it can be helpful to try to let go of that polarity and understand that the agency staff really can tolerate your moments of worry, anxiety and concern. We can help. Call us if you’re worried, or if, during a meaningful holiday you feel despair that you’ll ever be parents; if you have a fall through, we want to be with you in your grieving. When you’ve passed through the adoptive path to the point of placement and finalization, look back, take note of what helped you through, and let us know so that we can pass the gift of that knowledge on to the next family who wonders if/when their dream will ever be fulfilled. As the agency fulfilled the dream of placing the 100th child with a loving family, I have found that I’ve been changed by this work. While working conscientiously and sensitively remains a hallmark of services at Full Circle, I also understand, far more deeply than at the beginning of my career in adoption, to have faith and trust in the process. We look forward to helping you on your journey.

Thank you to families and individuals who have contributed to this fund.  We are hoping to create a fund which will have sufficient resources to provide revolving loans and outright grants for adoption expenses for families of modest means.  Thank you for considering this.  Please remember that any contributions are deductible as charitable contributions!

If you would like to contribute to The Adoption Assistance Fund call the Full Circle Adoptions office at (413)587-0007.

TAX DEDUCTIBLE CONTRIBUTIONS   Full Circle Adoptions is a nonprofit, tax exempt social service agency.   We are grateful for contributions to the Adoption Assistance Fund and to the Agency.  Our Adoption Assistance Fund is unique.  This is one of our efforts to respond to the costly nature of adoption.  The fund makes available, by way of revolving loan or outright grant, funds to assist adoptive parents of modest means and/or birthparents with expenses related to the pregnancy/adoption process.  Thank you for your generosity.  Please forward contributions to Full Circle Adoptions, 39 Main Street, Northampton, MA  01060.  Also, let us know whether or not you'd like to be acknowledged in our next newsletter or remain anonymous.

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Directions to Full Circle Adoption

90 East to Exit 4 91 North towards Holyoke/Northampton Exit 18 off I-91 At end of ramp turn left (About a mile ahead is Northampton’s main intersection.)

 

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