Thank you to Rabbi Gluck and Pamela Lerman of Great Barrington, MA who have agreed to be a Welcoming Home for Full Circle. They have a large home close to a hospital (for birthmother convenience) and would welcome a chance to aid birth or adoptive parents in their journeys. Thank you both for your willingness to help our families!

Boston Days!

BROOKLINE, MA. OFFICE HOURS: In an effort to be responsive to clients in Eastern Mass., N.H. and Rhode Island, Director Marla Allisan will be holding scheduled appointments in our Harvard Ave. office in Brookline one day every month. This time is for established clients (not for new client orientations for which two hour blocks are needed) and is scheduled directly with Marla. Call for an appointment and for directions. Look forward to seeing you there!

The Questions That Burn with the Candles and Lights
Marla Allisan

At the time of this writing, three Full Circle families have designations due in December and five have strong situations which look like very likely designations (still gathering medical etc.) for January and February. Three families have established designations due in the Spring. The question that burns with the candles and lights is, "Will this be our last Christmas/Hannukah without a child or filled with yearning for our second child?" Whether to get presents with child-oriented themes or not, may be another question. Family and friends, who know you have a pending situation, may express particular wishes for the coming year. This heightens the suspense, the anxiety, the hopes....

Many families are meeting with birthfamilies during the month of December. Some are meeting at the Agency and others are meeting in other states where birthparents live. We are currently working with birthparents in: Indiana, California (2), Hawaii, Oklahoma, Massachusetts (2), Kansas, Minnesota, Vermont and Texas. One additional Massachusetts family came to the Agency, predesignated (birth and adoptive families met before working with the Agency). For those families meeting during the holiday season, there is the question, "Will this meeting lead to a plan which will change our holidays forever?" You may see families on the planes and in the airports, on their way to visit relatives. This may be what you wish for your future.

Several families with designations had disappointments this year (situations which they chose not to pursue or, in one case, a situation where the birthmother changed her mind). The holiday season can heighten grieving for the dashed hopes for the care and love for a particular child and the renewed (though perhaps more guarded) hopes for a pending situation.

There are about five new families whose profiles are just beginning to be shown. The holiday season is another reminder of a child-oriented time. You may find yourselves kissing the heads of your nieces and nephews with particular vigor and praying for a child to hold as your own in the coming year.

Birthparents who've placed children in this past year may find the holidays particularly hard. Adoptive families who are already placed with (14 at this date) may think to send to the Agency a packet of photos and a note around this time. This can be very meaningful for the birthparents. They often feel as though they should feel joy and child-connectedness during this time, but where is the child? For birthparents, the questions which burns with the candles may be, "How is s/he doing? Is s/he happy, healthy and feeling loved?" It can be particularly helpful to have photos to help acknowledge with themselves and their other children that the child they placed is happy and thriving. That they can feel pride in giving birth to a healthy, happy child and pride in their decision to place as well.

For those birthparents who are still pregnant and who have an adoption plan, the holidays can have a particular poignancy: it may feel "unpatriotic" to be making an adoption plan during a time when everyone is so outwardly child-celebrating. On the other hand, one birthmother noted that it was the enthusiasm of the adoptive parents that was helping her through this difficult time. Already the parent of two, this thoughtful mother noted that no one else in her family was excited about the pregnancy (for a number of reasons) and the hopefulness and enthusiasm of the adoptive parents made the pregnancy feel purposeful and joyous. For those birthparents for whom finances are a substantial factor contributing to the decision to make an adoption plan, the holiday season can be a painful reminder of what one wished one had, what one wishes one could offer a child (not just presents, but the gifts of time, attention, as well as resources that aren't available for many reasons having nothing to do with a lack of love for the child).

What remedy for yearning, what potion for angst, what balm for disappointments along the way? You may need to clue your family and friends in to the fact that this is a hard time for you: please don't ask questions, you may gently advise them. Please listen to me talk about my feelings, you may ask others. Please distract me however you can, you may ask of those close to you. Some cope better alone, others cope better with companionship and a held hand. The one thing I recommend is that you study how you cope best: if it's with the help of others, try to reach out, you deserve this. Treat yourselves particularly well during the holidays. Don't minimize your needs or feelings. Adoption has enough secrecy associated with it; don't compound this aspect of adoption by leaving yourself with inadequate support.

I hope and pray that all families, birth and adoptive, feel any agonies soothed, their joys amplified, and that their dreams, close at hand and in the distance, be realized. May the staff of Full Circle have all the strength and wisdom to help you on your path to fulfillment. We at Full Circle, hope for peace in all your days and, if we can be so bold, for peace in the world.

Happy Holidays!